We are always saying no to someone...

Have you ever thought that when you say no to someone else, you may be saying yes to yourself? Or another way to look at it is that when you say yes to someone else, you may be saying no to yourself!

Communicating with others effectively is a big topic and an important one.

As leaders in business and life, we communicate all the time; in many ways, it is unavoidable. We want to share messages, influence others to act or engage in conversation to build deeper relationships. Often, we want people to do something, get involved in something, or take on a task or an activity. When having these conversations, we may want to influence them to say yes to what we ask them. But what if they say no?

When someone says no to you, they are saying yes to themselves. Conversely, when they say yes to you, they may be saying no to themselves. While this may not be the case in all situations, it can happen often. Unless the outcome is a win-win for all involved, where the yes from one is also a yes for the other, someone will lose.

What if you are being communicated to, influenced to act, get involved, or do something that may distract you from what is important to you? Knowing what you are willing to accept or take on and what you are not willing to accept or take on is a form of setting boundaries for yourself, which is a powerful way to know what is right for you and gives you the guidelines to say yes or no based on your priorities and need for focus.

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” Paulo Coelho

It all relates to how we use our time. This had become a big thing for me because I used to have a poor relationship with time, as it would not give me more, particularly when I was completing my MBA and working more than 60 hours a week. When I finally came to grips with the fact that we cannot manage something we cannot have more of and that it is about managing myself, the game changed. As the famous Alchemist Paul Coelho reminds us, “When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” I started teaching myself to say no.

The first book I read that influenced me to manage myself more effectively and be proactive was 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People' by Steven R. Covey. Being proactive means taking responsibility for your life and actions, regardless of the circumstances. This means focusing on what you can control, your responses and behaviours, rather than dwelling on things or situations you can’t control, primarily other people’s behaviour or responses. This means I say yes more often to myself, which can mean saying no to others. However, in this book, Covey teaches us that one of the habits is win-win outcomes. So, aiming to find a way to say yes to myself and others effectively and ecologically is a great outcome when communicating. When situations are ecological, they are good for me, others, and the greater good!

More recently, I read 'The Slight Edge' by Jeff Olsen. This book took my thinking on communication, focus and being proactive to another level, influencing what I say yes or no to. This book showed me that productivity isn’t about being busy, it is about being effective. It isn’t about doing more; it’s about doing what matters. I have now banned the word busy from my vocabulary. Instead of trying to do everything and be everything, we need to hone down on one thing. This often means saying no to others and saying yes to ourselves more often.

The latest book which has influenced my thinking on communicating effectively with others and, as a result, using my time effectively is 'Deep Work' by Cal Newport. In this book, Cal Newport defines deep work as “the ability to focus without distraction on a cognitively demanding task.” To thrive in today’s rapidly evolving work environment, we need to learn complex topics fast and produce at peak levels in terms of quality and speed. That’s why deep work is not a luxury; it’s a necessity. How can we do deep work if we are always saying yes to others, getting distracted by tasks that take us away from what is important to us, our priorities, and our goals?

Saying no is about more than setting boundaries or being effective with communication. Saying no to others at the right time and for the right reasons is about saying yes to you! It is about being clear on what is suitable for you, being proactive for yourself, being proactive with what you can control and not letting others side-track you or distract you from what is important to you. This is part of the art and science of communication.

For more information on how you can improve communication and be more productive, contact Leaders Network at hello@leadersnetworkgroup.com.au